Written by Rene’ Sayers:

In a blink of an eye, my health and strength collapsed. I was no longer able to run or lift myself out of bed. Growing accustomed to the tremors, weakness and anger of being robbed of what I knew. 

Life throws punches but this last punch caught me off guard. I guess that’s the thing about punches…a good opponent doesn’t want you to see it coming. He waits for the perfect time and with one solid hit, sends you to the ground with a cry. Succumbing to the silence of what feels like defeat.  

I am no stranger of the house of hidden pain. Although previously a guest, as I’ve watched my mom fight chronic illness.  She continues to teach us strength, tenacity and faith as she endlessly wars to keep the curtain pulled back to let the light in. 

Through this season, I realize I’ve been squirming away from my raw emotions, placating to the image I want to be while ignoring what’s really happening inside of me.   Instead of dealing with the pain, confusion and doubt, I pretend it’s not there. Growing like a festering wound, the infection turns into sepsis. 

Sitting in the deafening quiet, paralyzed with confusion of my current reality with nowhere else to turn, I finally shut off the distractions and welcome the silence. Maybe silence is a teacher, not wanting to torture us but awaken something deeper within us. 

Shining a light on the thoughts that are buried beneath the noise flowing through the void between emptiness and joy. When all the distractions are stripped away, it leaves you with nothing that can uphold the horrors of the night, nothing that can bring peace when fear strikes.  

The weight of the brokenness and pain of the truth behind the quiet that I didn’t want to acknowledge… questioning all the things I thought to be true of the Lord now left suspicious. Where is He in the silence? Where is He in the pain?  Where is He in the dark terrors of the night that is taking place inside my soul? The truth that I feel I’m ashamed to utter so I drink the poison of believing that I can pretend my way to peace.

I confessed to the Lord that I don’t want Him to go away but I don’t know if I can stay.  Fear is saying that this whole thing could just be a show and what if there’s cruelty in His bones if I were to fully let go?

These confessions and the cloudiness of doubt sometimes only feel safest in an empty room, hoping that Jesus is who He says He is. And that this mess I find myself in isn’t too much for Him. He promises His arm is not too short to save but why does it feel like it might be too late?  

But in all the fight and the darkness, the truth settles in my bones evermore: even the cruelest night bows to dawn, awakening the stars amongst the dark sky.  Bringing light to dark, revealing the truth behind the dancing shadows that lie. 

The night can cultivate intimacy but only if I allow myself to expose the depth of where I am. To invite Jesus to come in and dust the cobwebs off, reigniting the flickering embers back to flame.  As He opens Himself up and allows me to rediscover the One whose breath breathes life back into me. 

Months before the first symptom foreshadowed any underlying ailments, I was stuck in Ezekiel 37, that is about dry bones. Confused by why I couldn’t seem to get out of that passage, that later brought oxygen as I drank from a healing pool of water in the dry land of the moment. 

The passage of dry bones shows the gift of faithfulness, nearness and the Lord’s power displayed.  The Lord brought Ezekiel to the valley of dry bones where there was despair, desolation and hopelessness in the land.  One thing that always stood out to me was how the Lord told Ezekiel what he would do *before* He asked Ezekiel to prophesy.  Then, He invited Ezekiel to not only witness the miracle but to be a partner in the miracle. 

Pastor Ben Stuart once said, “Speed is the enemy of depth.” So maybe the darkness isn’t always a bad thing, maybe it’s a healing thing. Hiding me in the shadow of His wings.  Slowing me down to instill wonder and depth that can only be carried by sitting and waiting. All the while rediscovering the Lord without filters, with no distractions and a greater hunger of desperation for who He really is.  Thanking Him for what He has done, listening to what He will do and witnessing His faithful follow through. Beginning with Mom showing me how to pull back my own curtains that help let the light back in. 

If you find yourself in your own room of darkness, clouded by doubt and pain of the season, I pray that you have the strength to befriend the silence and allow Jesus to show Himself faithful.

Rene’ is my beautiful daughter and I am so proud of her and love her to pieces. Rene’ and Kamakanaakeakua ~ we call him Makana! ;) ~ have been married for 7 years and are dog parents to Lily. Rene’ loves people and wants to see them flourish, even in the dark places.

We pray that you are encouraged today and continue to look for God and in your broken places. He is there and loves you!!!!!

All Our Love ~
Jodi and Rene’ xo

On a personal note: Our daughter Jessi and her family are moving to Maine … bring tissues and chocolate … Dean and I will be driving up with them, help them get settled, visit with Dean’s family and fly home. So, I will be taking a 2 week break to be fully present with them. I hope you understand and meet me back here. Love and hugs!!! xo

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