Trust

When Dean and I were first married, we were in missions and a big part of that is that you would leave to go somewhere. I would pick a fight with Dean just before he would leave, which is not a good way to send your husband off and be separated for a bit. God showed me that I was scared. I was scared that he wouldn’t come back. So I would find something to be angry about because being angry was “easier” than being sad. I was in self-protection mode. I wasn’t going to let myself be hurt that way…again.

Deconstruction is a buzz word right now, but God has been doing it since man sinned and needed to get right with Him.

Whenever God deconstructs something in our lives, He will always reconstructs something to take it’s place so we look more like Him.

I had to face the trauma and pay the cost emotionally to deal with my past. The why behind the action. God had to deconstruct the walls, the self-protection, the habits I built and fully reconstruct me into His likeness. Into the whole and healthy Jodi He created.

Dean was not my biological dad, but Dean was getting punished for what my dad did. Logically it doesn’t make sense, we can look at and say she was acting crazy. And we would be right, but emotionally to a young 20-something new wife, it was all she had to make sure she didn’t hurt like that again.

This little guy “sang” to us the whole way up to the rehab we were bringing him to. He didn’t know what was happening. I’m sure he was sad and scared, despite my reassurances. All he knew was his life wasn’t like it was before he fell. He didn’t know that he was going to be taken care and life would be good again. Have you ever felt like him? I have. “Lord, when we feel like we are falling apart, help us to know that You are in the middle of it with us and we can trust You!” Amen.

It took time to trust Dean and trust God. God is bigger and stronger than any fear or trauma we have been through.

“Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
For you have heard my vows, O God; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.”
Psalm 61:1-5

This hard work of deconstruction and reconstruction is all about the layers. Think of those yummy layered biscuits. God works in layers and He’s very patient. He starts at the top and works His way down and each layer gets a little harder, a little more personal. It’s ok, hang in there.

But if we truly want to be whole and free, we need to be willing to go there with Him.

I don’t pick fights anymore and I have peace when Dean is gone. Well, mostly, the first few nights are a little restless. But I’ll take it! There is a rest that comes after the work is put in and we find our strength, our courage, or whatever we need there with God.

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour your hearts out to him,
for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:5-8

The trust that I learned dealing with all of that, has helped me to trust God more easily for the next thing I need to deal with; the next trigger I have; the next circumstance that feels so overwhelming, unknown and scary.

Each time we stretch our shaking hands out, we are met with the firm grasp of our Father’s Hand. Each slow and tentative step we take, we can look into His eyes and see the confidence that He has. He won’t let us fall.

I hope those things and all the love He has for you, will spur you into trusting Him. There is something so beautiful in that moment, don’t let fear steal it from you. Don’t fear the deconstruction part, that means the reconstruction can start!

I pray that our Rock, our Refuge, our Shelter will meet you when you call to Him in a way that is so personal…so real…you will know how much you are loved and seen!!

Have a wonderful day!
All My love ~
Jodi xoxo

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